Relief

Okay, I'm done. What next? Anticipation riddles me as I digest the magnitude of what I have just accomplished.

7+ weeks, 38 treatments, relentless fatigue, and a sunburn later, I'm done. It doesn't seem like much, not yesterday or 7 weeks ago. But today, after finishing my last radiation treatment, I sat in my car and cried for longer than I have since I was diagnosed.

Not because I was sad. At all! It's the weirdest emotion I may have ever experienced. Relief? Might be the best way to explain it. I imagine it was what it must feel like to get rescued after being stranded at sea or finish the longest race of your life. It's the kind of thing you don't realize what you did until after you're done. And when you do, you are overcome with such emotion and pride and awareness that you have to allow yourself 5 minutes to sit in your car and cry while you absorb the reality of what has just happened.

My dear and loving husband met me at the oncology office to commemorate my last radiation treatment and learn what my medical oncologist has in store for my follow up treatment. I'm blessed to have my partner literally hold my hand through this entire journey like I'm a four year old crossing a busy and dangerous street for the first time.

During this process I have fed off of the encouragement from my cheerleaders on the sidelines constantly reminding me that I am strong enough to make it through this. I think many of you were scared for me, but I never saw it. I don't even know the words to thank you for being so brave and inspiring.

I fill my script of tamoxifen tomorrow. All my worries about side effects of this drug or its interference with our big baby-making plans seem distant compared to its benefits. I'm going to give this drug an honest chance because in the end, to quote my surgeon, "this drug is going to save me".

Today, life is good.

Home stretch

Ok, all you runners out there can relate to this. You know those days when you set out to do a long, hard run but you're just not "feeling it"? Maybe you're especially tired after a long work week plus you stayed out too late last night not to mention it's 101 degrees outside and 90% humidity. Okay, so you are about 75% done with your run and you come across the shortcut back home. If you're an overachiever like me, you're not going to take the shortcut. But... you know that split second where you actually really consider taking the shortcut, where home and a cold shower and tall glass of water could come a mile or so sooner, and even though you really aren't going to quit early, you relish in the thought of it?

That's just about how I'm feeling right now.

Of course, in this case, quitting really, truly is not an option for me. But, I have to admit to having this tiny little fantasy where my oncologist calls me up tomorrow morning and says, "you know, if you really wanted to quit and not finish these last 2 treatments you totally have that option". I know, I know, it's only 2 more treatments. After 34 of them, what's the big deal? Well, if you have been following my blog at all, you have probably learned that patience is not my virtue. I'm seriously ready to get on with things already.

I think half of the problem with two more treatments is that one of them happens to fall on Monday. I'd love to start a new fresh week and go a full 5 days without a 5pm radiation date. But, to borrow a phrase from one of my favorite former managers, "it is what it is". So true!!

So, I guess I better suck it up and get ready for the last mile. It will be Tuesday before I know it and I can't wait for the tall cold margarita waiting for me at the end of my radiation run.

Radiation Vacation

Well, a vacation of sorts. As part of my radiation treatments, I have been prescribed a "boost"... meaning 8-10 of my radiation treatments will be focused in on one tiny little area instead of the entire breast. This is because while my margins surrounding the tumor were all clear of cancer cells, there was one margin that was a little too close for comfort for my oncologist.

Usually the boost treatments are the last ones you get, but I heard that sometimes they can be inserted into the middle of the regular treatments to give sunburned skin a break. Today during my weekly visit with my radiation oncologist, he took one look at my pink skin and said, "yeah, we'll be starting the boost tomorrow".

So this is good news! My irritated skin could use a break and so could I. Because my body won't be working to repair as much, I should regain some of my energy back as well.

This vacation may not involve a beach or fruity cocktails, but right now it's the next best thing!

"Somebody's got a case of the Mondays"

But not because of TPS reports or working on Saturday. See, Mondays are a bit of a rollercoaster these days. After having Saturdays and Sundays off from my treatment, I always start feeling like myself again come Monday morning. Oh, but Monday afternoon. What a buzz kill! Five pm is just a reminder about all the other 5 pm's I have left.

Since I can't just decide not to go in or take my frustration out on a fax machine while listening to gangster rap (fun as it sounds), I guess I better harness some of that new-found patience I've been working on. At least today is one more day down, and come 5 pm Friday I'll be one whole week down. It will all be over before I know it.

I wonder how it will feel when I'm done. I'm going to have to come up with something really good to do with my 5 o'clocks. Happy hour, anyone?

Long time, no post

Okay, I have a lot of catching up to do.

First, sorry to anyone who has been checking my blog fruitlessly for updates. I have to be honest and say... I've been avoiding you. Not you personally, of course. I've been avoiding this blog, or maybe I've been avoiding cancer. Ultimately this is proving to be very difficult, especially with the 5:00 pm daily reminder at each of my radiation treatments. Obviously I am not doing a very good job of avoiding cancer, because that is probably why I couldn't sleep tonight and why I am up at 5am writing a long overdue blog update.

Here's the cancer cliff notes: I started radiation treatments on March 24th and have been prescribed 33-36 treatments once a day, 5 days a week. Works out to be about 7 weeks. This includes a "boost" at the end, or a set of treatments that are focused in just where the tumor was. Otherwise, the treatments cover a wider area from the middle of my chest over to my armpit and up to my clavicle. I got a cold my first week of treatment and never really stopped feeling tired after it was gone, and this week I started noticing a sunburn and some mild irritation. I am frustrated with not being able to do as much as I want to without getting tired, but really it could be so much worse.

Everyone wants to know what the treatments are like. Truth be known, they are sort of relaxing in a weird way. Once you get used to all the beeping and buzzing, it's actually kind of nice to lay down and do nothing for 2 minutes at the end of your work day. They made a mold of me using some high-tech bean bag (I keep wondering if there is a rep that sells those things, what a cool job to have) and they line me up using some stickers and three tiny tattooed black dots on my belly. And I said I'd never get another tattoo again! You have to lay really still, which was hard at first but I have a few relaxation tricks I've used (thanks for the thermometer tip, Cindy!) and the machine just rotates around and does it's thing. The whole deal is said and done in less than 2 minutes and I don't feel a thing.

Today I will mark my halfway point through the treatments. I am thankful for feeling as well as I do and for all of the supportive words and hugs that I have gotten from you all. I will be done with these treatments before I know it and ready to get back to running and sweaty yoga. Oh, and I am officially back on the blog wagon... stay tuned for more posts!

xoxo...

I'm so over it.

Turns out, I'm not nearly as patient as I thought I was. Why can't I be all better already???

Man, this weekend was great. Shaun came up, and on Saturday I even felt good enough for him to take me out to lunch and a little shopping. To quote my friend Cecelia, I felt "on top of the world"!

Guess those steroids they gave me before the surgery were making me feel pretty good, because once they wore off, I realized I really didn't magically bounce back that quickly. Don't worry, I'm still doing really well! Saw my surgeon for a follow up today and she was super pleased with how I'm healing. The thing is, well, I'm just tired. I haven't been able to go back to work or yoga or running this week like I really thought I would. Okay, it's only Tuesday. I had surgery on Friday. But what Dan says about me is true: I don't do sick very well.

I may not be patient, but I am decisive. I'm not going to sit around and worry about what I can't do. Instead, this next week (or so) is all about the positives. Today we had our follow up with the surgeon, and guess what? The tumor they took out was actually a little smaller than they thought it was... only .7 cm. The margins are all clear, meaning it hasn't spread to the surrounding tissue. And the nodes they biopsied are officially cancer-free. As I type this, I have a huge smile across my face because I realize how very, very fortunate I am! Thanks to everyone for your prayers... I believe they are really working.

Mmm, time for some of my husband's home cooking and my favorite new addiction, the Olympics!

Surgery update

Jessica is awake and coherent. There were no signs of spread in the connected lymph nodes, so they only ended up removing about 2 lymph nodes. The margins around the tumor were clear. Everything looks as good as possible at this point :)

We won't have the full pathology report on the tumor until Tuesday or Wednesday.